Things I Couldn't Say.

Where did you go?

2005-05-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

Trapped in a wicked age where nothing I see isn't covered with a haze, pearly and white the fog sets in allowing me to be consumed again. I close my eyes and pray that I won't see you. It's been a long time, well past due. The agony that fills me when I see your face makes me wish I could leave this place. I know that you're happy, you're joyous and glad but I still need you, I need a Dad. I wasn't done growing up, we still had so much to see. I never got to say good-bye, were you still mad at me? Please forgive me, the childish cries. Please forgive me and come back to life. I need you now more then ever...wish you could have been here forever. I wasn't ready to have you leave, I wasn't ready to be left alone......I need a Daddy, won't you come back home?

What a blog this is going to be...

2005-04-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

Wow so todai was uhh interesting. Circumstances are presenting themselves and they're scary. The stupidity that controlled me is just now presenting itself. "I'm gona keep on holding on, while all of this is going on, but now i see where i went wrong, so now i've got to carry on, i'll stay right here where i belong.." this is from the song 'holding on' by Pillar. It describes a lot of stuff that's going on inside mai head. I don't want to just say what the problem is because if it is true in due time it will show it self and the problem will be known. It's devastating to think about. What careless actions can lead to. A commitment made. A promise broken. How oh how Lord could i be given this token. Let it be great Lord, and work to your glorification. Let your will be done. Please Lord let me not be forsaken.

2005-04-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

where are you now daddy. now that i need you. now that i want you. now that it feels like nothing else will fill me. now that i've obeyed you. now that i can no longer scream. now that i no longer force maiself to bleed. where are you daddy?

I

2005-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

'Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt the truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.' ~William Shakespeare

I love that quote.

GRRR

2005-04-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Mom found out about mai virginity (or lack thereof) yesterday. Yay. not. Im going to be having SOOOO much fun over the next month. Pffftt, you serious? you bought that?! haha...yea...right.

ouch

2005-04-02T21:41:00.000-08:00

no one posts comments. am i truly that uninteresting? thank you casey for posting a comment and making me feel special. muah. thanks

Questions

2005-04-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

Why do people hurt? Why do people cry? Why is the sky blue? Why do you wish to die? WHy do I still hurt and hide the pain inside? Why are clouds crisp? Why does time click? Why? I'm so lost in all the why's that i can't understand the answers....

Boredom

2005-03-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

Boredom sets in, allowing time to breathe. Allowing time to think, allowing time to be. Yet why is it that now that I've seen myself, I don't like me? Why is it that everytime I think that I'm happy...my world tears down around me?

I'm so aggrivated with the way that my social life is going...I feel so deprived. Like everytime I want to do something socially that like once I get there I get detached. I think it's like a psychological thing though because I can be there3 with like one or two other people and then when more people show up i want to like recoil to my room with a few good magazines or an amazing book, a caramel machiato, and some awesome music. Why is it that this goes through my mind everytime more than four people collect in one like area for one like cause? I can't understand this and it tears away at me. I need to work on this because not only am I stealing much awaited time away from myself but I'm also taking it away from people who may want to get to know me. I gota go...sleepy time is calling and I still need to post on the site. peace.

GrAhuyyhDEEhhuuiiioooottshshshs haha...say that 5 times fast! haha

2005-03-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'll be on later to feed you a totally cool poem that i wrote todai. u'll like it.

...

2005-03-21T18:04:00.000-08:00

People don't understand what's going on inside my head. The constant chaos streaming through the cracks drives me insane. The love for them rips me apart demanding instant gratification and product. I don't know how to convey this inner depth so foreign to me. How do I depict love through chaos and pain. The tears drip from my eyes, scorch my cheeks and slip down my jaw to find an unpleasent end in an almost suicidal plunge. Why is it that everytime I try to tell them, the worst in me rears it's humiliating face? Why is it that this love. . .this love that I know nothing about is so very difficult to obtain? Why must I stay up on long sleepless rampages in order to think of ways to develope this love. . .? WHY CAN I NOT FEEL THE ONE THING THAT I'VE WANTED FOR SO LONG?!?!?! I understand the pain that one goes through when lack of love dominates their lives. Expressed love is a gift from the Heavens, from my Father. Love that knows not how to show itself is a blessing tainted by Satan and twisted to fulfill his evil ways. I can't put anymore thought into this for it only tears away at the walls long since built. Demanding new attention to areas long since forgotten. God give me strength to carry on the purpose that You've planned out for me and Father calm my mind of all the dismay. I take refuge in You Daddy, for You are my creator. Trusting in Your guidance. . . Your daughter Sheena